Hi, me again. It's another tough one to talk about today. It's cycle day 1 as of today, and I haven't cried...yet. I'm sure I will lose my shit sometime today, but for now I'm just numb. The silent struggle that no one who is trying to become a mother really talks about, especially us who are struggling with infertility. Infertility, and a whole lotta freaking hope. We hate to be asked if we've been to the doctor to get tested, it makes us, no reminds us that we are "broken" (personal experience). We hate the coined phrase "Oh relax! Don't stress! It will happen when it happens. It's in (said higher powers) hands! Well, are you even still trying?" Well, what if it doesn't happen? What if we've tried to relax, and given it to said higher power? What if we've tried pretty much everything there is to try before deciding to seek medical assistance? And yes, we are still trying. Trust me, sometimes people's advice is NOT needed and we just want someone to listen. To be able to vent without judgement or someone feeling they always have to say something. Sometimes word vomit doesn't help. But guess what? We plaster on a fake smile, and shove through it, and when we get home at night, we break down when nobody is around, or in my case when it's just Marcus and I because he's my safe place. Crying is cathartic, but I wish these were going to be happy tears. Needless to say, I'm all out of hope today. I'll cry I know I will. I'll probably scream and throw some shit, and take a bath to drown out the world. But I'll take my meds like I do every damn day. I'll get dressed and do the laundry. I'll go with Marcus to family dinner tonight, and pretend things are okay. Because this is it, this is the silent struggle. This is infertility. Thanks for listening.
I love you.
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